So, it's been quite sometime now since my last post and a whole hell of alot has happened since then. Relationships beginning and ending, shifting and rolling. Of course being human, there has been many changes in relationships. They are constantly in flux. Whether they are intimate or not, whether they are with female friends or male, it's a river of change.
One thing that sometimes doesnot changed in relationship is how we are in them. For me being in relationship is a constant learning and relearning. I think I've got something, a gem, and it's going to be how I am in relationship and then Wham-o!, shit! I've done something from an old pattern. I really don't want to beat on myself to harshly for these programmed reactions but damn it! They really get on my nerves! I do feel I have a much smoother time these days of throwing love at the reaction instead of fire starter onto a blazing inferno of self hate. That's one great thing.
The part that just eats at me and brings me heart ache, is the part that reacts in the old way at all. I have struggled with self-doubt and self-loathing in my life as many women do. I feel this stuff that reoccurs around relationships has very much to do with this.
This self-doubt and lack of self love is what brings any of us to the brink of the eternal bog of stench every time. To love ourselves, is the magic key to having a beautiful, healthy relationship with a partner. It's the getting there, that is the interesting and juicy part. How do we scale the walls of the castle to get to the magnificent jewel inside?
Well, all I can do is speak from my experience and hope you learn something or just let it be for my own learning and healing. Bringing love to the times when you are feeling needy and want so bad to be validated is one way to cope with the climb. When you are at your most need ridden, tell yourself you are love, that you are all you need, and then do something the fulfills your heart.
I love to run and it fills my heart with joy! I also love to read something uplifting and funny. I love to dance, alot of times I'll just dance until the feeling subsides and then go about my day. I'll even do some mirror work and tell myself, I'm wonderful!
When I'm stuck I call my sisters or mom and ask them for their assistance. My mom does wonderful regression work with me, my sisters give me unconditional love and some clairvoyance. The one thing I do my best at not allowing is my self to dig a hole. I give love to the feeling of self-doubt right away. This has made it impossible to spin out of control. No relationship is worth a spin-out!!
I like what Marianne Williams says in her book Enchanted Love. She says this about sacred romance and it applies to us in-love with ourselves as well. " We find a whole new dimension of "for better or for worse." The light of love is bound to shine on the creepy, crawly aspects of ourselves, those pieces of the former brokenness lying hidden beneath the rocks within. Inside the tomb lie our dormant energies, our passion and our love, seemingly dead but only sleeping; love is come to remove the rock, heralding the resurrection of sanity and Self."
Our self-love has come to lift the rock. This is truly the only way we can then, have a love with another that can lift the rock on all of our dark places as one. We must be willing to love ourselves enough to take a look at the dark parts of us and then to also love those parts and embrace them.
~ I warn you: this will not be easy. I warn you: this will take some work. I warn you: love will burn you up. Are you ready to be burned, or would you rather just grow old?
I know for myself, I would rather burn, burn in the firey heat & flames of love!! I love myself open, I will set fire to my heart and my life. I deserve the kind of love the flames create and the kind of relationship that can with-stand such heat. I know this is some of my wonderful learning on this planet this time around and by Goddess, I will burn and turn to ashes all that needs to be engulfed, for true, crystal clear love and relationship from the heart to be a part of my experience.
I want to experience the healing and awakening power of such a beautiful & pure love!!
I want this love for everyone! I hope to be a vessel for showing this love and teaching how to recieve it.
Love & Light
